Because I was asked to...

February 10, 2012

I went on a little rant on Twitter today about how some people, whether intentionally or not, use monogamy to imprison their mates. Someone asked me to write more on the topic on my tumblr, so I am.

I can’t remember what got me started on this, but the basic statement I made that started me going was:

This may be a very radical opinion, but I feel monogamy is prone to a lot of selfishness. The very nature of monogamy is saying “romantic love and sex is for each other only and NO ONE ELSE.” (Yes, I know some crave this, and I don’t mean to say this is bad. Rather, I am talking about how monogamy can be used against partners.) Not always, and not for everyone, but some people just tend to get extremely selfish with their partners. If their partner has a need and they don’t want to help them with it, especially if sexual, they expect their partner to stop wanting it or something. It’s a “give that up, or leave” type of mentality. It traps people.

I’m not going to say polyamorous relationships don’t trap people or are free of any kind of problems, but rather there are certain problems that seem to be almost inherent in monogamous relationships.

The trap, as I see it, that monogamous relationships fall into is a belief that their partner should meet ALL of their needs, especially sexually. This also means they need to be able to single-handedly meet all their partner’s sexual needs, or else it is perceived their partner must not love them enough. (At least, that is my guess. I honestly do not know why people feel they need to meet all of their partner’s desires, sexual or otherwise.)

It may work for some people, the monogamous model, if they really DO only want their partner. But, let’s face it. This is a world where there are millions, if not hundreds of millions, if not BILLIONS of people who we will find fascinating, wonderful, inspiring, lovable, attractive, and so on. Even if monogamy works for one partner, it is not guaranteed to work for the other. Human sexuality is very complex as well, and many of us have fantasies of encounters with a stranger, group sex experiences, or experiences with people of radically different personalities, looks, genders, and so on. Even regarding things that may not be about sex, people are going to find others they will want to spend time with. Some people may be willing and happy to give up dreams for love, but I would rather my partner fulfill their dreams and fantasies and be free to express themselves as the people they are in life.

The problem I see with monogamy is if it gets to a point where you want to limit your other partner and prevent them from being happy and doing what will make them happy. Worse, when you let your own insecurities prevent someone from getting their needs met. This breaks the soul.

I feel if you truly love and care about someone, you would want them to be happy. If they want something you do not feel comfortable with yourself, perhaps a kinky desire, then why not let them get the need met with someone else? I do not understand why you would not allow for it. If you are able to get your needs met with only one person, then that’s awesome, you can thrive in a monogamous relationship. But if your partner, being who they truly are, has a need (or needs) you are unable or not comfortable meeting, why would you hold them back from happiness? How does that in any way express love to your partner?

Worse yet, the crazy guilt trips people lay on partners saying, “If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t seek this out.” WHAT IS THAT?! No, they are expressing a need. That’s like saying “If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t breathe anymore.” That’s absurd. The actual truly loving thing would be to accept your partner for who they are, and love them for who they are, and understand that it would make them happy and fulfill them as a human to have this need met, and let them do so.

Relationships are not only about sex, anyway. A good relationship has many key components. Along with communication, there is the following list (from a Huffington Post article):

Respect: both of your actions and words never hit below the belt
Trust: you can and do share everything
Truth: there is full honesty between each other and with yourselves
Friendship: you’re true BFFs, on each other’s side, always there for each other through everything
Intimacy: deep emotional connection
Unconditional Love: always there no matter what, love is never taken away

If you are not going to accept your partner, love them no matter what, allow them the chance to be intimate with you to share their core needs and desires, and respect them for the feelings and needs they have, you are not being a very good mate to one another. This is how people can use monogamy to abuse or entrap their mate. They play the guilt trip of “if I can’t meet all your needs, then you must feel I’m inadequate as a person.” Having many friends or a large family doesn’t mean your friends and family are inadequate, yet that logic is far too often applied to lovers. (Thanks to @Renmauzuo on Twitter for help on that point.)

The worst part of this ultimatum of “either give that up, or give me up” is that the partner being given such an ultimatum may really not want to leave their partner at all. In fact, I think it takes a lot of bravery to tell a partner about a need you have that you’re not sure they’ll accept or want to help you with. That takes tremendous courage. It takes a lot of vulnerability, and trust that their love is unconditional; there for you always. It takes a lot of being truthful about difficult things. Intimacy means being vulnerable and open. The thing we want most from our lovers, who we hope will love us unconditionally and will always be there for us as friends, is acceptance of who we are.

When you reject a partner for their needs, you are actually working to completely destroy your relationship. You send the message that who they are is NOT OKAY with you. That they need to change who they are to be acceptable. You actually work to silence your partner, and suddenly they don’t feel safe to be intimate with you. They don’t feel they can be open and honest, for fear of losing you. You bring fear and secrecy into a relationship when you tell your partner that their needs are invalid or when you reject who they are. You are imprisoning them in a relationship where their needs can’t be met, and their souls are slowly suffocated.

Then well-meaning people will say things like, well, if you get to this point, why don’t you just break up? But usually it is never that easy. Finances, kids, and so many factors I can’t even dream up to list make that a hard choice. Even love can trap someone. You can love someone who doesn’t allow you to meet your needs; my past is an example of that. People become loveblind, and basically think that if I still love someone, I should not give up on the relationship. (Actually the aforementioned article is about this very phenomenon, and why it is unhealthy mentality to fall into.) Heck, some people may indeed be TRULY happy with their mate, love them to pieces, want nothing more than to be happy forever with them, but they have one simple need their partner cannot meet. Why ruin all the joy and love and happiness over one need? And why not let your partner get that one need met?

Why entrap someone you love in an unhappy situation? What is the gain there?

The biggest problem that holds people from letting their mate meet needs that do not include them is fear; or more specifically, jealousy.

As a poly person, I can say I have definitely experienced jealousy, doubt, insecure feelings, and other unpleasant feelings. But, I also have learned to turn the unhappy feelings into joy. While it may seem strange, I feel compersion is an emotion anyone can learn and enjoy. Compersion is a word many are not familiar with, so I will briefly explain it now. Compersion is when you experience joy at someone else receiving joy from a source that does not include you—usually sexual or romantic in nature, but it can apply to anything. (Non-sexual examples could be feeling happy when your child going to a kid’s birthday party without you and has fun, or happy when your partner is happy that someone other than you complimented them on a job well done.) If you feel joy at your partner or loved one being happy, even if it has nothing to do with you, then you are experiencing compersion.

It has taken me some reworking of emotions, it has taken some learning, and it has taken a lot of understanding, trust, and most of all LOVE for my partner, but I truly feel joy at whatever makes him happy. There really is nothing I want more than for him to be happy, and he feels the same for me. While that often means just being together and loving each other all the time, sometimes that does mean doing things without each other. But, regardless, it makes me happy to see him happy. It makes him happy to see me happy. And this is what makes my relationship with my Daddy so happy. (Soon I’ll write about why he is so amazing, I’m sure, because I really can’t shut myself up.)

I really, truly believe love is best shared. Unlimited. Free. Just expressed naturally, in its pure and beautiful form. It takes a lot of bravery, a lot of courage to be vulnerable, but I always want people I love to know that I love them. I want love to be my motivation in life. I want love to be the feeling that people most get from me. But truly, more than anything else, I want those I love to be happy. Even if that means they have to be with other people to experience it sometimes, I want them to just love their life as much as I love mine. I really do love life. I love so many people. And, for every person who may turn my love away or reject it, there are people who welcome it and are enriched by it and are happy to feel it.

Of all the things in the world you can experience, love I feel is the greatest. To really give love, you need to accept those around you, and most of all, accept yourself. Once you do that, you will really discover the love you can give, receive, and feel is seemingly limitless. It’s amazing.

1:15pm | URL: http://tmblr.co/Z8ktjxGAjA5o

(Notes: 117)